By Birdie Fudge | Featured Contributor

A while back, I went on medication for the first time for my major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety. I wrote poems every day, starting from the first day I took the pill. I used my poetry to track my mood and the timeline of the medicine taking effect. When I look at the poetry written during the beginning of that journey and compare it to now, it’s as if two different people are speaking. This poem reflects me in the beginning of my journey. My other poem, “I am Grateful,” reflects how I feel today.

***

It’s like suddenly
I took this magic pill 
and I was given the gift of reason 
and all my fears seemed to disappear 
my anxieties subsided 
or at least they were dulled out 
beneath the surface 
the layer of fog 
on top of all my other emotions 
became lifted

Suddenly I could feel 
everything I was supposed to feel 
everything that was numbed out 
and only came alive 
in the worst way 
when I was in pain 
when I was alone 
but now 
the apathy has come crawling back 
with a vengeance 
and I don’t even know 
if I would call it a sadness 
because I have nothing to blame it on 
and the only people who understand 
who feel the same way 
and go through the same thing 
don’t know what to do either

They tell me what I already know 
so that I know I’m not alone 
but there’s no answer 
there’s no solution anyone can give me 
and I’ve run out of ways to express myself 
when he asks me 
what is wrong? 
because the answer is 
honestly 
nothing 
I just don’t feel right 
I don’t feel like myself 
and sometimes 
I don’t even know 
who that’s supposed to be.

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Birdie Fudge

I am Birdie Fudge, and I eat “no” for breakfast. I am a writer and blogger at Fudge It! where I feed my stomach and my soul as a poet and a baker.

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