By Birdie Fudge | Featured Contributor
A while back, I went on medication for the first time for my major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety. I wrote poems every day, starting from the first day I took the pill. I used my poetry to track my mood and the timeline of the medicine taking effect. When I look at the poetry written during the beginning of that journey and compare it to now, it’s as if two different people are speaking. This poem reflects me in the beginning of my journey. My other poem, “I am Grateful,” reflects how I feel today.
***
It’s like suddenly
I took this magic pill
and I was given the gift of reason
and all my fears seemed to disappear
my anxieties subsided
or at least they were dulled out
beneath the surface
the layer of fog
on top of all my other emotions
became lifted
Suddenly I could feel
everything I was supposed to feel
everything that was numbed out
and only came alive
in the worst way
when I was in pain
when I was alone
but now
the apathy has come crawling back
with a vengeance
and I don’t even know
if I would call it a sadness
because I have nothing to blame it on
and the only people who understand
who feel the same way
and go through the same thing
don’t know what to do either
They tell me what I already know
so that I know I’m not alone
but there’s no answer
there’s no solution anyone can give me
and I’ve run out of ways to express myself
when he asks me
what is wrong?
because the answer is
honestly
nothing
I just don’t feel right
I don’t feel like myself
and sometimes
I don’t even know
who that’s supposed to be.
◊
If you would like your writing to be considered for publication on Health + Inspiration, visit here for information regarding submissions.
Categories: All Poetry, Featured Authors, Featured Poetry
“not knowing”is such an important phase of our helling process.