By Jeremiah Lin | Featured Contributor
I suffer from bipolar. Of the worst kind. Manic episodes. Severe psychosis. Deep delusions fully believing that I’m Jesus.
I will destroy my relationships. Make random connections with strangers. Come up with a million business plans to make a billion dollars. Empty my bank account and max out credit cards to “help” others. Give away all my earthly possessions. Isn’t that what Jesus would do?
I’ve made myself homeless. I’ve ended up in numerous mental hospitals. Had far too many run-ins with police officers. Most people, including cops, don’t understand the symptoms of mania. That makes me a perceived threat. Dozens of arrests. Spent several years of my life behind bars. Several times I’ve been brutalized by law enforcement. This last time nearly cost my life.
I shouldn’t be here. I’ve caught myself saying that a few times. But lately I’ve been correcting myself. No, I’m right where I should be. God saw fit to save my life. Despite all odds, I’m still here. And I’m convinced that I’m here for a purpose.
What that is or what that looks like is beyond me. It’s beyond me. Beyond what I can envision for myself. Beyond goals. Beyond dreams. What God has in store is always bigger than my earthly plans.
I used to be a busy person. Even in moments of stability. Multi-tasking. Research and planning. Best way to make a decision was to list pros and cons. Google the crap out of it. I thought I could figure things out. But life is complicated. I need a compass.
Today I am cautious with my actions. I check my motives. More importantly, I check with God. Does this fall in line with Your will? After tasting death my relationship with God has been real.
I’m okay with life today. Living on borrowed time allows me to truly “let go and let God.” I’m only here because of Him. Might as well live my life under His direction. He obviously knows a lot more than I do.
I have faith today. I’ve never been a Bible-thumper. But I can’t stay silent about how God saved me and changed me. I’m a product of God’s love.
That is who I am.
Jeremiah is a survivor of bipolar disorder, police aggression, and addiction. He is a blogger at Scenic Views From the Bipolar Rollercoaster where he shares his stories and experiences for the purpose of inspiring, encouraging, and educating.
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